January 19, 2014

This Censored Life, Or, I Will Not Go Quietly

I haven't written much personal lately, letting my explorations speak for themselves.

But there has been plenty to write about.

I've been feeling a bit more settled in LA.

I've had someone to hang out with LA.

Unfortunately, people don't always like to be written about (even if it's good), and sometimes the public exposure of private events - whether it's suing a clientinterviewing for a job, or starting to get to know a friend or a lover - jeopardizes their ultimate success.

So you keep them to yourself.

But for me, if I don't write about them, it's as though those things never happened.

To me, living a secret life is living no life at all. It feels too much like my mother forbidding my friends from visiting the house, like being afraid to tell anyone what was happening in that house, the one that no one ever went into, and no one ever came out of.

I'd like to share my life without censoring myself, but if I'm ever going to share my life with someone else, I suppose there are things I must omit. For their sake.

I understand this intellectually, but it hurts me emotionally.

It hurts to be with someone, but have the world think that I'm still alone.

It hurts when no photographs are taken to document our time together.

It hurts to act as though it never happened at all.

Privacy feels like secrecy to me, and secrecy feels like abuse, addiction, violence, manipulation, adultery.

If I can't tell anyone, either I have something to hide, or I am something to be hidden.

And neither can ever be good.

So perhaps I must choose to live publicly and actually be alone, or to live privately and merely feel alone.

There doesn't seem to be any other choice.

No one is clamoring to shout from the rooftops about me.

No, they are just echoing the words of my sister from long ago, when she refused to speak up and I refused not to: "Sandi, why can't you just be quiet?"

I need to say - I need to write - they need to know - that I will not go quietly.

I'd rather be loud and alone, than with someone who tries to silence me.

Related Posts:
My Public Shame
Open Door Policy

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