October 11, 2011

Facing the Unknown

There are certain things in my life I have known. I knew my parents didn't love me. I knew I would eventually leave their house and never speak to them again. I knew I would go to Colgate University and that I would belong there. I knew who I would be friends with for life.

I knew I would ultimately be alone.

I knew I would get my jobs at Atlantic and Razor & Tie.

I knew Freddy would cheat on me.

I knew Phil and I would never last.

I knew I wouldn't have babies.

I knew when I was done with New York.

I knew which jobs weren't meant to be, even the one that moved me to LA.

I've always known when my period is coming, when I was going to be fired, and when someone was mad at me.

I haven't always known when the bills are due. I haven't always known when I've had too much to drink. I haven't always known how to seal the deal.

But now, I know nothing. I know not where I'm going; I know not where to go. I know not what to do; how to wake up; how to live; how to die.

I know not what the future brings.

I know not what it means.

I only know how I feel, how I love, how I want, how I hope. I only know what I don't know. I know what's not there. I know what hasn't happened.

I know that where I am is where I want to be.

And that's all I can know.

For now.

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