Saturday, October 18, 2014

To Say "I Love You"

I've loved before, but I never said it.

They probably knew, but I never said it.

I never said it, because I knew they didn't love me back.

So when I finally decided to say it to someone, you would think it would have been hard to get the words out, to utter the sentiment that had been on the verge of my lips and in the core of my heart time and time before, tucked away, hidden, silenced.

Instead, it was the easiest thing in the world.

And once I started to say it, I couldn't stop.

Imagine my surprise when I heard those words said back to me.

It was the best feeling in the world.

It took 38 years for it to happen.

And now I realize it wasn't real.

The love I heard wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the love I wanted. It wasn't the love I gave.

He said "love is love," but this love is not that love.

And now I wonder why I had to open my big fat mouth. Why did I ever have to say anything at all?

It was a gift I gave him that he didn't want.

And the worst thing in the world is to say "I love you" to someone who doesn't want to hear it.