Sunday, September 11, 2011

Could I Be Loved?

I wasn't loved as a newborn. I was regretted. A surprise. A mistake.

I knew this from very early on in life.

I cried.

And I was rued.

As a child, I always thought I could be loved by my parents if I

behaved
obeyed
succeeded
surpassed
and won

But I was not.

As an adult, I always thought I could be loved by lovers if I

cared
nutured
submitted
pleased
and pleasured

But I was not.

And now I wonder,

Could I be loved?

At all?

By anyone?

I've worked hard to love myself, to be happy with who I am, and to assert that confidently.

I am open
and willing
and ready
for love
but love does not come.

Do I choose the wrong people to love?

Do I reject the wrong people who might love me?

During my last conversation with my mother, four or five years ago, she said to me, "I know I'm unloveable." And silently, I agreed with her, though horrified at the thought.

In the years that have passed since, I have suspected, out of all of the horrible things I have inherited from my mother, that is the worst.

Related reading:
The One Who Loves Alone
The 35-Year-Old Spinster
The Other Side of the Bed

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