September 17, 2014

Oops, I Did It Again

It's funny how things seem so different in the beginning – so unlike all your past failures – that you actually hope that you've learned and moved on, that you've made better choices, that you're making progress.

That there might actually be hope for you.

And then as the situation unfolds, it starts to feel more and more familiar to you, until you realize you've unwittingly fallen back into the same exact pattern you were trying to avoid.

It may be a new person, a new city, a new setting, but you could recite the dialogue as though memorized from a script. You predict the future with unquestionable certainty, though this future is heartbreakingly bleak.

You try to do everything to change the course of what was meant to be, because you don't want this, you never wanted this, you can't go through this again, but you're only delaying the inevitable, denying the already determined.

You thought it was going to be something else. Something worth working for.

But you shouldn't have to work so hard.

You shouldn't have to do so much.

You shouldn't have to feel so bad.

Sometimes the best things happen when you can just do nothing – float on your back, let the water fill your ears and drown out the sound of the world around you. When you try very hard to float, tightening your muscles and craning your neck forward to check your position, you will most surely drown.

You don't have to cry.

You don't have to scream.

You don't have to beg.

All you can do is

And if this isn't what you thought it was, if it isn't what you wanted, you have to be willing to walk away.

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Open Letter to the Wrong Tree

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