March 15, 2014

The Worst That Could Happen

I've lost every man I've ever loved.

The first two were, are, and always will be unsuitable partners, and by their own actions broke the love I once gave them. The first revealed his true self to me relatively quickly and devastatingly painfully. The truth of the second took 13 years to set in, which it still hasn't completely.

And now, the third and final man I have ever loved romantically is about to get married to someone else.

I don't know when, but I know that he's getting married.

I knew this was happen.

I was waiting for this.

I was looking for the signs.

I was trying to prepare myself.

When I first realized he was no longer mine, I waited for his other relationship to end, and for him to come back to me. When it became clear that that was not going to happen, I considered the possibility of him marrying this other girl, and upon such thought, became so distraught, I imagined myself driving over the side of Angeles Crest Highway and plummeting in a fiery blaze. 

Perhaps coming to my senses, I thought I'd rather wait forever than die over lost love, so I instead planned to just keep waiting. Even if they got married, I would still wait. "She has to die eventually..." I thought. And surely I would still be available when the time came that he too became available again.

That was when he and I were still friends, when I could still see him, when every conversation and interaction made me fall in love with him more deeply. In fact, I didn't even love him when we were together. I only started loving him when I really got to know him — as friends — when I wasn't allowed to touch him.

My friends warned me to stay away from him. They urged that the only way I could move on with my life —and that he could move on with his — was for me to stay away from him.

And then, he was the one to tell me to stay away.

That was two years ago.

He never came back to me. 

He never even tried.

I waited and wondered, because it wasn't over, it was never over, but nothing.

And now...

I hear he's getting married.

They say he's getting married.

As for me, I'll never get married, but it's not because I don't want to. I've always wanted to. But it's just not happening for me

And I can't make it happen. I've tried. I can't conjure, coordinate, coagulate, coalesce or correspond in the right way to make the stars align, the synapses fire, the pheromones click, the juices flow.

Leading up to this point, this precise future, these incipient nuptials, there were many things that could've happened. 

But this...
...this is the worst.

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