February 12, 2012

Open Letter to My Potential Dates

To those single men of the internet -

Somehow I've become convinced to try online dating again. I've had no luck with it before, but since I'm having no luck finding dates on my own after a year in LA, I don't have much to lose.

And I've joined a dating site that's predicated on actually going on dates - and on dates that consist of more than just coffee or a drink while we size each other up. It's supposed to encourage the offline aspect of online dating.

We're supposed to pick each other because we both want to do the same stuff.

That's supposed to mean you want to do stuff.

So forgive me when I skip over you because you haven't posted any date ideas. Forgive me if your date idea is "get to know each other" or "get drunk and fall asleep" or written in ALL CAPS or egregiously misspelled and fraught with bad grammar.

Forgive me if your username repulses me because it includes a four-letter word.

Forgive me if I don't want to "Eat out 69 & have wild sex at urs or my place after diner !!!!!"


Forgive me when I don't reply because your photo is that of a kung fu fighter, dead president, Big Lebowski character, Prince, Mick Jagger, or your dog. As much as I'm focused on your personality, I want to be able to see your face. It means something if you don't want to show it.

Hey bald guy, you're kinda cute.

I know I only have one photo on my profile, and technically it's an outtake from my headshot session. But it's a good one: it hasn't been retouched, and it looks like me. In fact, I look better in real life than in that picture. I didn't want to set your expectations too high. I'm cute enough. I'm not on here looking for dates because I'm not hot enough.

I know my profile says that I want kids someday, but I don't know that to be true. I'm not really sure but that wasn't among the answer choices. I just want to have the option in the future.

I do want a guy who lives in LA (sorry dude who messaged me from Denver).

I do want to go hiking. In fact, most of the things I want to do won't cost you any money.

Sorry, I don't wanna chat.

And thanks, JRV, but I don't want to give you a massage.

I do, however, want to go where I "will safe and comfotable" ladiesman2000, but you have to be more specific as to what that might be.

What is wrong with you people?

Who dates you?

Is anyone actually so desperate that they lower their standards to your level?

Or have I just found the ultimate pool of undatables?

No offense. I'm sure you're lovely. But I just cannot get past your profile.

And so for the next three months I guess I'll just be fielding incoming requests in hopes that someone relatively decent, sane, and literate might stumble upon me.

And in the meantime, you can find me sitting at the bar alone, trying to look cute and available.

Deepest gratitude,
Username: [redacted]

Open Letter to My Potential Matches

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