Sunday, May 8, 2011

Not What I Planned

The job I moved to California for only lasted three months.

The guy I thought I would fall in love with in California fell in love with somebody else.

What do I do now?

I am all the way out here, in California, alone, with no job, and no love of my life.

I don't know what to do.

This is familiar territory for me - looking for work in LA - so I'm sure I'll fall back on some old standby behaviors: chasing hikes, Weight Watchers meetings, happy hours, and handsome men. But even when I had the chance last year, I decided not to move to LA without a job because I thought I couldn't afford to live here unemployed.

And here I am, here in LA, unemployed.

I'm regretting my amazing apartment, which is cheaper than NYC but not the cheapest I could have gotten in LA.

I'm regretting my car, which one Honda dealership told me I couldn't afford. Now I think I should have listened to them.

I'm regretting all my furniture which has tethered me to my apartment as much as my lease has.

I'm regretting my pride in my job, the business cards I gave out, the emails I sent.

I'm regretting all the personal things I brought to the office, with which I surrounded myself at my desk, those things which have no place in my apartment but which I must go retrieve and put back into storage.

I'm panicking about the debt I accrued last year which is not yet paid off, and the insurance I only had for three months and never got the chance to use.

I feel embarrassed. I feel foolish for believing something might work out all right, and for gloating about my charmed life. I feel alone and afraid.

And so what now? I must believe that I'm in California for a reason. It's just not what I planned...

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