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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Not What I Planned

The job I moved to California for only lasted three months.

The guy I thought I would fall in love with in California fell in love with somebody else.

What do I do now?

I am all the way out here, in California, alone, with no job, and no love of my life.

I don't know what to do.

This is familiar territory for me - looking for work in LA - so I'm sure I'll fall back on some old standby behaviors: chasing hikes, Weight Watchers meetings, happy hours, and handsome men. But even when I had the chance last year, I decided not to move to LA without a job because I thought I couldn't afford to live here unemployed.

And here I am, here in LA, unemployed.

I'm regretting my amazing apartment, which is cheaper than NYC but not the cheapest I could have gotten in LA.

I'm regretting my car, which one Honda dealership told me I couldn't afford. Now I think I should have listened to them.

I'm regretting all my furniture which has tethered me to my apartment as much as my lease has.

I'm regretting my pride in my job, the business cards I gave out, the emails I sent.

I'm regretting all the personal things I brought to the office, with which I surrounded myself at my desk, those things which have no place in my apartment but which I must go retrieve and put back into storage.

I'm panicking about the debt I accrued last year which is not yet paid off, and the insurance I only had for three months and never got the chance to use.

I feel embarrassed. I feel foolish for believing something might work out all right, and for gloating about my charmed life. I feel alone and afraid.

And so what now? I must believe that I'm in California for a reason. It's just not what I planned...

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7 comments:

  1. Hang in there. If there's anything I can do, let me know.

    Jenn

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  2. Hey there, everything happens for a reason. Just have faith, persevere and something good will happen! XO

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  3. I'm going to quote you back to yourself
    "But the longer I drive, the more I realize: I can't spend all my time watching what's going on behind me. I have to look forward. And I can't worry about who or what is going to hit me, from the front or the side or behind. At some point, I have to leave what's behind me...behind."

    Keep looking forward and hang in there!

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  4. I relate to your feeling of embarrassment. I became superstitious about decorating my office with personal photos / personal items the day my position was eliminated at Palm Pictures in December 2005. In the 2 jobs I've had since then, I've lived by a belief that I'll be laid off as soon as I put up my personal photos. Hence, bare walls! (Granted, they make work less pleasant, but they do keep me reminded that whatever job situation I'm in, it's temporary....)

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  5. I am in the similar moment right now. not knowing future ( or point B in life, is scary sometimes.) I am afraid too. I turned down two job offers I did not feel were for me, graduated with 6 figures student loan, my rent is unpaid yet, roommate is moving out, I ate last pasta from fridge. though I am planning to keep living my dreams. I believe tomorrow always is better. as we all see how life can turned better, by reading your blog backward in chronology. life is simply getting better. moving forward to be closer to be in the right spot, in the right time: for a reason.

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  6. Good luck to you - and hold on tight!

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  7. You are fantastic! Our new, young, hip, beautiful Huell Howser -- there's a PBS series in your future. Or at the very least, a monthly column in Los Angeles magazine. Keep it coming!

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