December 04, 2009

Scene from the QVC Green Room

I'm standing in my stocking feet - saving the already-eroded tips from my patent leather heels - watching a guy sell lobster tails on the big flatscreen TV in the room everyone calls "Q." I'm standing not only because my outfit looks much better standing (as evidenced by the clip of me onair, during which sitting on a couch collected all my body fat in my middle section), but also because I can't sit comfortably with the control top pantyhose I scraped upwards along my thighs and finally over the tops of my hips, causing something like rugburn on both sides of my body.

The lobster tails guy only has three minutes to make his sell - about a third of the time I will have onair in a little while - and his colleague, or maybe his boss, is sitting at the computer monitoring the sales as they happen. Suddenly he starts yelling at the flatscreen, urging the spokesperson along, coaxing the right sell lines out of him.

"Only two times a year!" he shouts, like a fan at a boxing match or a spirited soccer tournament.

Dan responds in kind, as though somehow he heard, saying, "And you know, I haven't been here since May, so these are really limited..."

The hosts are gabbing along, dipping lobster in melted butter and talking with their mouths full, not letting Dan get a word in edgewise.

The guy at the computer is becoming more and more irate, yelling out his own sell lines, and criticizing the hosts. "How about some Easy Pay, huh? Do you feel like saying that? Only two times per year!"

"Two easy payments!"

"Come on Dan, get in there!"

But Dan is overwhelmed, completely overtaken by full-mouthed hosts hungry with the approaching lunch hour, faces weighed down by makeup, eyes squinting with the bright soundstage lights. Dan doesn't have a chance.

"Come on, come on, come on....!" the guy at the computer urges, but his encouragements fall upon deaf ears. Dan no longer responds.

And suddenly, the segment is over.

Dan's one-man cheering squad throws his hands up in the air, slaps them down on his knees, and shakes his head. His team has lost the game.

And he has to wait another six months to try again.

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