April 11, 2014

The Forever Now

I am free again, so soon, so unexpectedly.

I was relieved at first. I'd been trying to make it work, but I was failing.

Then the hurt set in. Someone had to go, and that someone was me. Thrown overboard.

Then the anger set in. I was supposed to have some advance warning. It was supposed to last longer. I was supposed to leave, and not be left.

Oh no, not again.

...I didn't have enough time.
...I didn't learn enough.
...I didn't do enough.

People can make you feel so safe. They tell you how amazing you are. They tell you they love you. And then, so quickly, they change their minds. They give up on you. They pull the plug on you. You're what they thought they wanted, but they were wrong. Or they changed their minds. Either way, you're not what they really wanted at all.

And somehow, that's your fault.

So how do you move on? How do you let go of things not meant for you?

I've tried distracting myself with crying, sleeping, and swimming. A little tequila, a strawberry cupcake, and gentle yoga have all helped. Dealing with my personal business, heathcare, and finances took some of the pressure off.

Doing my taxes made things worse, almost unbearably worse.

I'm at the end of my rope, 
but I've still got the end of it,
I'm not off the rope yet.

It's important to find some way to believe that now isn't forever, and that there is some end to the despair (especially that which has plagued me since 2008 – essentially for the bulk of this blog). Whether that conclusion comes out of faith, or science, or therapy, or the occult – whether it's true, factual conviction or placebo-effect belief – the only way to be able to go on is to know how much farther it goes.

I know I must be dreaming. I am waiting to wake up. I am waiting for it to be over.

I am ready to get out from under this shadow planet, restore, and forgive.

When will then be now?

Soon...I hope.

Related Posts:
It Just Gets Worse
Not What I Planned
Changing My Rhythm

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