April 02, 2012

Excuses, Excuses Part 2

When it comes to explaining why I'm single, why I don't have a boyfriend, why I've never been married and why I've never had serious relationship, everyone's got an opinion.

I usually say, "I don't know," or, "You'll have to ask him," chalking my conundrum up to the whims of the guy (whichever guy) rather than to something I'm actively doing or not doing, or some signal I'm putting out there.

I think I've already come to terms with the fact that it's not because I'm not hot enough.

But other people, other people love to find ways to blame me.

It starts out supportive enough...
"They're intimidated by you."
"You're too smart."
"You're too pretty." 
But eventually, the criticisms become more pointed.
"You're too picky."
"You're too busy."
"You don't actually want a serious relationship."
"Have you ever thought that you might be too available?"
Sure, I can imagine a scenario in which I'm too sexually  available - free milk, cow, etc. - but is there any such thing as being too single? I'm not scrambling to get married and have kids. My biological clock is not ticking. I simply just don't want to be alone anymore. And for years I was afraid to show how I felt to guys I liked, guys I dated, for fear of scaring them off. And then they criticized me for not knowing what I wanted. So now I want to be able to say "I really like you" if I really like them, even though people tell me that's something I should never say.

And then those people, in some feeble attempt to try to help me, become downright hurtful.
"Maybe you're a bad kisser."
"Maybe you're a bad lay."
Really? I spent all this time in my 20s spreading my cookies around New York City, trying to make up for lost time, trying to learn how to do the things I was expected to do, trying to become good at them regardless of who I was with, and I still might be a sexual failure? And that might be the reason that no one has ever wanted to make a life with me?

But what about all the bad kissers I've kissed, who've found love elsewhere, gotten married, had babies...? To what can we credit their romance success - simply good fortune?

I've spent too much time trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I thought I had come to terms with the fact that it just never happened.

Why are others so relentless in their investigation into the cause? Why can't they just let it go?

Related Post:
Excuses, Excuses

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  1. Hi Sandi,
    just a quick comment to apologize for asking you this ridiculous question last night... it was quite improper I admit but when you told me you were single I was genuinely surprised, almost doubtful - not to mention really pleased ;)

    I was surprised because you ARE a beautiful woman who seems to be living a fascinating life, not to mention that you appreciate good food, love photography and adventure and I really enjoyed our conversation...

    In other words it was too good to be true...

    So please, let me apologize by inviting you for dinner at one of your favorite restaurants
    Alexandre (the French guy)

    1. and merci beaucoup, I will take you up on that offer.

  2. I have no problem with the question of "if" (in fact I invite it, bien sur!) - only with the unrelenting question of "why."

  3. :-) I always wonder why people don't ask person this question:

    "why did you stay in boring relationship with the guy from the same block who you met at the age of 17th and stayed at the same neighbourhood/ city/ whatever boring situation together for the last 20 years & betrayed him after first year of marriage?" (this is question I have never asked someone I know) why people do not ask married people- all these TABU questions? - WHY YOU ARE IN BORING RELATIONSHIP WITH ASSHOLES WHO ARE BORING/ UNFAITHFUL/ NARROW-minded/ or Abusing? WHY people don't ask these questions to the married people? Because WE SINGLE PEOPLE/ especially women are easier target- we are 1. They are 2. so... this is like unfair football game where we need to play Single with the whole teams!
    And why I got so mad reading it? Because LAST TIME I heard the same question ("why such a beautiful girl is single?", you probably have a boyfriend...) a year ago, from my last "boyfriend" who told me several times he is single, who introduced me to many of his friends from his work and one morning- after a year of relationship- His WIFE- picked the phone. WHY I am Single? :-)