Sunday, November 13, 2011

Makes Me Wonder

I look at the calendar, and I realize I've passed the nine month mark as a resident of Southern California.

In my gestation of becoming Californian, I wonder if I'm there yet. I call this place "home," but I've called many places home, not many of which have actually felt like home.

At what point am I no longer new?

Los Angeles is constantly welcoming new arrivals, so much so that the most common question that people ask each other during introductions is not "Where are you from?" but "How long have you been here?" And now I'm starting to meet the people who say, "One month," "Three months," "Six months," whatever, and increasingly commonly they are newer than I am.

But what have I learned while living here?

I stand behind all of the decisions I made leading up to and coinciding with my move here - taking the job that relocated me here, choosing this apartment, this furniture, this car - but what about after that? Should I have worked harder to keep my job that only kept me three months? Should I have spent more time enjoying unemployment? Should I have not returned to the music industry, the devil I know?

Should I have not wasted so much time hung up on one guy, to the exclusion of nearly all others? When we're in the same room, everyone thinks we're together, discouraging the approach of almost all those except the bravest. When we're apart, I can't stop thinking about him. And almost everyone new I meet can detect it.

At one point do I become pathetic? Did I become pathetic?

Should I be trying more restaurants? Should I be establishing myself as more of a regular at a select few?

Should I be auditioning more? Should I get an agent? Should I be spending all my free time shooting webisodes and student films just to bulk up my reel?

I cannot give my number out any more. (As it is, I give it to whomever asks for it.) I cannot walk any more. (As it was, I woke up with my feet bleeding the morning after Halloween.) I cannot hope any more. I cannot love any more.

I cannot cry any more. I cannot regret anymore.

But I can wonder...

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