Friday, March 20, 2015

Just The Way I Am

I guess I'm just used to being criticized.

Given the fact that I'm almost 40 and I've never had a long-term, committed relationship, by now I'm used to people asking what's wrong with me.

Or, worse yet, I'm used to people telling me what's wrong with me.

Except everybody has a different theory.

For many years now, I've focused my behavior and personal development on making myself a good potential girlfriend, maybe even a good future wife. But as much as I've grown and matured and settled down in my wild ways, it's still not enough. So when I meet a guy I actually like, I find out what they want, and try to be that girl for a month.

But I just can't seem to get the job. I always fail.

"Why is it important to know why?" Chereta asked me. She's a new member of my LA-based support network, and she always seems to ask the right questions.

"Well, because then I would know what I could do to change," I said.

"But what could possibly be wrong with you?" she probed. "What could you change?"

We were actually talking about my career and why I keep getting laid off, and why I haven't been able to find another permanent job in almost a year, but my mind immediately went to romantic relationships – to the guys who rejected me or, even worse, just disappeared.

"Well, like, for example, if a guy didn't want to be with me because he thought I was too needy–" I started, but was interrupted.

Chereta looked at me and gently suggested, "Well maybe you could just find a guy who doesn't mind if you're needy. Or maybe you could find a guy who likes your neediness."

Honestly, that never occurred to me. Ever.

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

I mean, I can understand someone forgiving your eccentricities and frailties because they're outweighed by your positive qualities (or maybe just because the sex is that good, or because you're convenient), but actually embracing them?

DOES THAT HAPPEN?

Where are these people?

My own parents couldn't accept me for who I was. As a kid, I constantly tried to adjust my behavior accordingly, but I couldn't change who I was as a person. And that's what they took issue with. So much so that they went silent eight years ago – a merciful reprieve after the torture I went through while they were actually in my life.

If my own parents didn't, how can I find someone who couldn't love me better, who loves me just the way I am?

Related Posts:
Not Hot Enough
Excuses, Excuses
Excuses, Excuses Part 2
This Is Why I'm Single
The Cable Guy
Another Case of Not Getting the Part