Saturday, February 1, 2014

Missing Out

Although I'm trying to make up for lost time and missed opportunities by accepting every offer that comes my way, I have missed out on a few things in my life.

I missed my first confession, whenever that happens in Catholic School. I made up for it later, after all my classmates, but it wasn't the same.

I missed a sixth grade field trip to Darien Lake when I had chicken pox.

I missed my proms, which I'll never get back, despite any high school reunions that may occur - a void that will probably forever inform my Avoiding Regret ethos.

I missed out on being a teenager in love. I'll never experience puppy love or a sweetheart of any sort. If I'm ever lucky enough to fall in love with someone who's also in love with me, we'll both be so old that it'll be very serious and responsible, analyzing our pasts together, blaming each other with our respective baggage, both wondering whether it might just be easier to be alone.

I've nearly missed my chance to have babies, if I were to ever actually want to have them.

I've had some near-misses too, some close calls with people and places and dangers that I'd rather not count amongst my experiences: getting my car stuck in the Mojave Desert, getting grabbed in an Upper Manhattan park, food poisonings, drunken blackouts, extreme sunburns, and a concussion, but never a broken bone. A wisdom tooth removed, but never a cavity. Missed periods, but never a pregnancy. Lots of bees, but never a bee sting.

I may have missed the boat on my acting career. There may still be hope for my hosting career.

I find myself constantly scrambling to keep up, to learn more, to expand my professional capabilities, to figure things out, to be a contributing member of society, to make myself essential, to prove my value.

I hate to be underestimated, because the fact I haven't done something yet does not mean I can't do it.

And the fact that I haven't done something yet makes it more likely that I will try it.

I hate leaving a stone unturned.

I just might run out of time.

Some things have passed, and they're gone forever. I don't have control over all things and people that surround me. People cancel. I get sick. I'm sometimes overlooked. I'm sometimes ignored. I can't be included in everything. I can't be invited to everything.

To compensate, I weasel my way in, as often as possible. I try to be visible, audible. Perhaps not omnipotent, but omnipresent.

I live with my choices, and I choose as often as I can.

But life doesn't always choose me.

Related Posts:
My Time Has Passed
Crisis! Missing Out Alert!
The Lesser of Two Regrets