Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Baggage Check

I've done a pretty good job of avoiding regret, but I've made no promises about avoiding anxiety.

I was up at 7:45 a.m. this morning. Not to watch the sunrise, as I do every morning in California. Not to catch an early flight somewhere fantastic, or to get an early start to the beach or on a hike.

I got up at quarter to 8 this morning, after six hours of sleep, before my apartment showed signs of day, to go to work.

Although I have certainly worked a lot over the last several months - if you count blogging, writing press releases, watering the plants and advising Ziggy Marley on children's music - I haven't had a daily office routine since the end of January, when I left my job as head of marketing for KIDZ BOP. That routine, at least at the end, consisted of feeling disempowered and manipulated, crying behind my office door that wouldn't lock, and finding any excuse to leave town or work from home.

Understandably, I'm not thrilled about subjecting myself to another potentially disastrous work situation, having spent months repairing my self-esteem and my love for music.

The good news is, I do love music, still, and my new gig will put me back in a genre I care about (dance/electronica), amongst a group of colleagues more diverse than mommies and daddies and their adored babies, and in an environment that seems more supportive of women. I'm sure it's political in its own way - isn't every job? - and I'm sure that I'll collect a whole new set of baggage after working there for three months this fall, but I'm hoping that, for now, I can shed my baggage from my most recent office life (the last year or two of which was uncharacteristically bad compared to my entire six and a half years there) and start anew.

I'm constantly trying to see the world with new eyes. My eyes are constantly clouded by people who have behaved badly, without remorse, without apology. I am unable to, or refuse to, forgive them, but perhaps I can forgive the human race. I'm working on it.

So for now, I'm out of hiding. I am trying something new, scary only to the parts of my brain I can't yet turn off.

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